How to Bring Sex into the Conversation
Intimacy and sex in dating can often be an awkward topic to address in new
relationships. Generally it is often left unspoken and naturally transpires but there are times when it should be
discussed in advance to avoid negative situations.
If you are struggling with how to bring sex into the conversation without seeming like an inconsiderate jerk,
this advice is for you.
When Sex Should be Discussed
There are certainly instances where bringing up the “S” word is important to the balance of a relationship. Sex
should never be brought up on a first date or before you have developed a friendship with someone. This could be
seen as inconsiderate and much too forward. Here are a few reasons why it may need to be addressed.
Many religions have strict principals with regard to sex or sex before marriage. If you are with someone who has
values regarding sex, it is important to know this in advanced. The repercussions of ignoring a persons’ important
spiritual belief system are detrimental in the long run.
Guilt, shame and a fear of God or punishment will affect your partner greatly and therefore you must be sure
they are comfortable and ready for these issues to arise should they decide to move forward with intimacy.
The first time is a memorable and often scary occasion. If your partner has never had sex before it is important
to talk about it first. You want to make sure they are ready for this transition and prepare to make it an
exceptional and safe experience.
Low self esteem or an insecure disposition may require a gentle discussion about sex. Be sure to offer support,
understanding and encouragement if your partner is shy. Often it is not that they do not wish to proceed but rather
are fearful of the intimacy. With tenderness you can discuss how important their feelings are to you and help them
feel good about themselves before the actual act.
Your partner may have experienced a previous relationship which was abusive and harmed their outlook on intimacy
and sex. If your partner was physically or sexually abused it is imperative you discuss your intentions with great
The damage done to them in the past has created shame and fear which could be triggered by the act of sexual
desire. This doesn’t mean they are incapable of intimacy but if you can help them open up and trust again, you will
help them enjoy sex as a positive experience.
If your partner has trust issues, it may be difficult
for them to enjoy sex or trust your intentions. If they were cheated on or used in any way, they may determine this
will be the outcome with any relationship. Your job will be to discuss these issues first in order for them to feel
safe and secure with you.
Ways to bring it up
Learning how to bring sex into the conversation requires an awareness of the correct circumstances where it is
an appropriate topic. Here are a few normal instances where sex can naturally be introduced into the
During Heated Passion
Before things go too far, show respect by simply hitting pause and asking your partner if they would like to
continue. The consideration and respect you are offering will go a long way in making your partner feel confident
and ultimately the decision is in their court.
When Discussing Values
In any relationship, one should always have a discussion about principals, goals and values. It is perfectly
fine to directly ask your partner at this time what their values are with regard to sex. Be sure when you ask you
express your desire to please them and honor their values. You never want to make them feel belittled by having a
strong value system and even if you are not like minded you should respect their beliefs.
When Establishing Long Term Plans
If you are at a point in a relationship where you want to proceed forward and discuss a long term plan with each
other, sex may be an important part of the conversation. It is natural to discuss your partners’ thoughts on sex
along with marriage, children, living together and goals. Don’t be afraid to plan it out for optimal results.
Basically the idea of how to bring sex into the conversation should be one of mutual respect and consideration
for the other person. You are bringing it up because you care about their feelings in the situation and you want to
give them the mutual consideration they deserve.
While sex may not always need to be discussed first; at least the information above will assist in preparation
should the need arise. Pay attention to the clues your partner is giving so you can be ready in the moment.
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